April 6 2020

Monday

11:18 pm

Wondering what should be the apt output here. If this space is like my personal diary or a space where i can put out my subjective opinion about the things I encounter daily. Perhaps something which would tell history? Something like 'The Diary of Samuel Pepys. It could be;that.

So the lockdown may extend. It should. Or else people on the verge of their OCDs would cross the line and the people far away from the line would draw closer. It wold be exhausting I guess, to keep a track on it, on your habits of 'touch'. Also, one major thing coming out of it is whether one should run after productivity even during these time or just take a breath or two, or more and look out for the little great things in life. While writing this one line, there was a sense of cal on my face for the latter option. For I, am always anxious about being productive and doing something. It was a couple of months ago that I realized that you need to chill every once in a while. What I have been doing all this time, for twenty three years straight, is planning for my holidays already to do things and making to-do lists and I would eventually end up with a lot of anxiety and stress and guilt for the unchecked boxes. In addition to this 'be productive' anxiety is how I am always confused and it takes me a while to make a choice. So, as a result, all that productiveness went to the bin for I had been channelizing my energy into multiple areas. So... Should we run after being productive, learning a new skill or a language, and so. Or, we just spend time with our families and watch movies together, play board games together, and so. It is hard to choose, specially for me, personally. I have been trying to do both. Trying to take no pressure while I do any of it. I am not after any deadline for both ways comfort me directly in a way or the other. I am working on my self growth and I am spending time with my family and making memories that will account for the actual caliber in/of my life.

So I guess it is about waking up and doing what your wakes up for- diving in again in bed and wanting to stay with your family and laugh and cry together; or wanting to meet the ideal version of you sooner and taking this time to be a bonus period to work just on yourself without pouring in productivity to someone else's dream and self growth. So...Whatever that would make you sleep better later at night. :) Also, god bless my country and my countrybeings. (I would try to point myself out whenever I would see a language which is not gender neutral. I often did it in my papers and exams and I wonder if those teachers noted this or perhaps just deducted marks thinking I am less wise.) I would write this at the end of these entries everyday until I see a more reliable group of leaders deciding things that occur around me and to me.

Oh, a tiger was tested positive for Corona. Makes me worried. It is the first thing I read today, I guess. I hope no wildlife suffers because of this. Positive vibes to everything and everyone. :) 00:01 am