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  • Sanvari Malik

Hot Chocolate

I can't really fathom the many ways in which hot chocolate comforts. For starters, I can't understand why it comforts anything in me at all. If a 'fixed' cup of hot chocolate from when you want to skip dinner can be comforting, this is your cue to raise the level of comforts in your life, in terms of how hard you work for the littlest of comforts. No! They have got to match the hot chocolate.

Since I can't talk without a context, here it goes:

The comfort is a surprise, rather. I have been the most unproductive, out of focused I have ever been in my life. And I can't really understand why. It was better when I had things to blame for it but things happened and I have nothing else to blame for anything at all. I am off. I can't think. I can't imagine myself not thinking. Thinking survives me. Or survived me. Not that I am dead, but the thinking is off. When I get too troubled about not being able to think, I say to myself that "you are just practicing mindfulness." I don't really want to do that anymore.

And then this hastily fixed cup of hot chocolate has the audacity to comfort me. And that too without providing me any answers at all.

I just chugged my last sip, and it left me with sighs. The good ones. The ones that make you think you are distressing and not the ones that you take to oxygenate yourself more because you are getting ready to fight a war with stressful little enemy thoughts in your head.

So I guess I am more qualified to address the more delicate things in my life right now.

I am scared. Death scares me because of the void it creates. Black holes can learn from the earthly deaths. No kidding. It adds layers on top of me every time I witness one. At this point in my life, the layers that I have added up over time seem to be heavier than me. And it comes with this heavy understanding that you wish you had never gained and suddenly quotes like 'ignorance is a bliss' make altogether more senses in the world.

So sometimes I wish I was ignorant and my life was simpler and not a giant gaping hole of hollowness. I don't even know where this hole begins or ends. (Black holes staring down at me to give them credit here.) No, nothing like the black holes. But now that it has been done. Now that I know more than I should have. I do not want to go back to being ignorant. I won't be able to survive being that shallow. So the apple wasn't tasty, but it fed me full. I guess?


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